What does “feeling too human” mean?
To me, it starts with acknowledgement of vulnerability. How vulnerable we are in all interactions. Whether we believe we are or not. The truth is, we don’t know people’s intentions. Not really. Usually I embrace vulnerability, but this is when I take charge of it. When vulnerability rules over me, it’s intense and causes anxious feelings and emotions throughout my mind. I feel too human. I feel too alive. I start analysing everything which I could happily tune out before. Just one little thing may push me over the edge when I’m feeling too human. It’s okay though. It lets me experience all too human emotions, ones which are negative and not too common. Tears drip down my face and all I think of, is what a mess and embarrassment I am.
But I’m only human, these things happen. However, these thoughts don’t register in my brain anymore. Times like this, these thoughts are perceived as excuses. I realised today, I think I dissociate? I don’t even remember having conversations within this mindset. How is my brain functioning without MY input? Why couldn’t I just do things right? Normally? Why do I have to be socially awkward sometimes?! What is wrong with me! The frustration and anger boils down to what I’m really upset about, subtle judgement and impure support. I’m sorry. I truly am, I’m sorry that occasionally I can’t control my emotions and my physiology pulls me into this fear-striken response.